


The Matchmaking Catastrophe

by pupeez4eva



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Bad Matchmaking, F/M, Humor, M/M, Matchmaking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-02
Updated: 2018-05-02
Packaged: 2019-05-01 05:09:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14513244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pupeez4eva/pseuds/pupeez4eva
Summary: "You've traumatized a number of people in this room!" Germany snapped. "You've destroyed many potential relationships...and you have completely RUINED any chance I had with Italy!" - Prussia starts up a matchmaking business.





	The Matchmaking Catastrophe

 

"I'm starting a new matchmaking business, you know."

Prussia sat himself down next to America, and gave the younger nation a large grin. America raised one eyebrow, and shrugged his shoulders.

"Good for you," he responded.

"Yeah," Prussia nodded, "and you're my first customer. It's $100 per person, but I'm sure that'll be fine with you -"

"Well, uh," America cut him off. "Actually...I don't think that's such a good idea. I have tons of debts to pay off, and my boss would kill me if I spent that much money for no reason."

"Shut up, you want this," Prussia snapped.

"But -"

"So." The white-haired ex-nation leaned forward and grinned knowingly. "You and England?"

"...What about me and England?" America's cheeks went red.

Prussia's grin grew wider. "I think you guys would make an amazing couple," he commented. "I mean, you like him, right?"

"Uh...no..." America stuttered.

"Sure you do!" Prussia interjected, completely ignoring his protests. "And he likes you too, if those entries in his diary were accurate..."

America's eyes widened.

"So," Prussia continued, "I think you should approach England and tell him how you feel!"

"...You know what?" America said at last. He straightened up, a determined look on his face. "I think I will!"

"Excellent!" Prussia exclaimed, grinning widely.

_'Wow, that was easy...'_  he thought.

"In fact, I think I might go and tell him now!" America stood up.

"Yeah, you do that!" Prussia agreed. "I mean, you guys are great for each other! You have that 'special relationship' and all...I mean, who cares if he raised you? Things like that don't matter when it comes to the awesomeness that is love!"

"...Well, yeah," America coughed. "I know he raised me...but I've grown up now..."

"I know!" Prussia replied. "That's what I'm saying! So what if he watched you grow up? So what if he put you to bed, and read you bedtime stories, and comforted you while you were upset..."

"...I did love those bedtime stories," America muttered. A frown creased his face. "But...that was a long time ago."

"Precisely!" Prussia grinned. "So what if he's practically your father? Love has no bounds!"

America sat back down. "Well...he's not my father anymore..."

"Nah, he probably always will be. That shouldn't be an obstacle though!"

"...I've been independent for years though!" America cried. "England may have been like a father to me once, but he isn't anymore -"

"Yeah but in the back of your mind, you'll always know that he was the guy that raised you," Prussia responded. "He'll always be 'Daddy England' to you."

"No!" America protested. "I mean, I never called him Daddy England -"

"Deep down, you did."

"But -" America's eyes were growing wider and wider as the conversation progressed.

"However," Prussia cut him off. "Who cares if he IS Daddy England? Who cares if, according to human morals, it'd be considered wrong and disgusting?"

"...Well, I wouldn't say disgusting..." America faltered

"Hell...it'd probably be illegal..." Prussia continued to muse, oblivious to America's discomfort. "I mean, if you were human and this was going on, old Daddy England would probably be thrown in prison!"

"But I'm not human!" America cried.

"Exactly!" Prussia thumped him on the back. "So go give your daddy a bit kiss on the lips, and hand me my money!"

America stared at him in horror.

...

"Hey Italy!" Prussia sat down beside his friend. "Guess what? I'm starting a matchmaking business!"

"Ve - that sounds wonderful!" Italy smiled. "Can I try?"

"Sure thing!" Prussia replied, cheerily. "It's only one hundred dollars!"

Italy's smile faltered. "Ve...I don't know if I should spend that much money..."

Prussia leaned back, smirking slightly. "I know you've had your eye on my brother for a while," he told Italy. "I can get you two together in no time!"

"Really?!" Italy's eyes widened. "Yay!"

"I mean, I think it's great that you like West," Prussia continued. "I know he loves you too."

"Really?" Italy let out an excited squeak.

"Yup!" Prussia grinned. "I mean, he lets your sleep in the same bed as him! He wouldn't do that for, well...anyone really."

"Well..." Italy coughed. "I usually sneak in...but Germany is very nice!"

"Yup! And I'm sure the fact that your in love with him has nothing to do with the fact that he looks like an older version of the Holy Roman Empire."

Despite his words, Prussia was genuinely trying to be helpful; he continued to smile, oblivious to the sudden change in Italy's demeanor.

"W-what?" Italy stammered, his smile now gone.

"Well yeah." Prussia raised one eyebrow at Italy. "Just look at him! Same hairstyle - slicked back, side burns and everything! Same eyes..."

"I never noticed before!" Italy's eyes grew wider.

Prussia snorted. "Deep down you must have noticed...might be why you're so attracted to him. You know, like a rebound..."

"...Germany is a rebound?" Italy's voice wobbled.

"Nah!" Prussia laughed. "Of course not! You love him - it has nothing to do with your previous love for his younger clone..."

"I loved Holy Roma," Italy murmured. "But...I love Germany too. I love them both, for very different reasons -"

"Of course you do!" Prussia cut him off. "You'd never use someone for the fact that they look just like your old lover!"

Italy's eyes widened. "Of course not!" he cried. "I'd never do that!"

"And of course the Holy Roman Empire would love for you to move on with someone like my brother," Prussia continued. "I mean, he wouldn't be annoyed about it at all!"

"...Well, no..." Italy lowered his eyes to the floor, sounding unsure.

"I mean, okay, he might be a bit annoyed..." Prussia admitted. "I mean, you're forgetting about him and all..."

"No!" Italy protested. "I'd never forget about Holy Roma! I still care for him! It's just...Germany..."

"I know! I mean, either way, the Holy Roman Empire is gone - you need to move on with your life" Prussia laid a hand on Italy's shoulder. The other nation was trembling. "Just ignore the fact that there's a possibility that, somewhere up there," he pointed at the ceiling. "He might be glaring down at you, hating your guts for leaving him!"

Italy squeaked in fear.

"...You know," Prussia mused. "That's make a good horror movie - I should sell the idea! It might get me more money...oh and, by the way, you owe me one hundred bucks."

Italy dissolved into tears.

...

Prussia threw himself down onto the chair beside of Austria, and glared at his enemy.

"Hey, you bastard," he said, as way of greeting.

Austria glanced up and glared at him. "What do you want?" he spat.

"Well..." Prussia started. "I'm starting up a matchmaking business; it only costs one hundred dollars per person!"

Austria's expression darkened. "I am not paying you one hundred dollars for a load of rubbish!" he snapped.

"But I'm going to pair off you and Hungary!"

"...You idiot!" Austria spat. "We're already together!"

Prussia's eyes widened in surprise. "Really?!"

"We're married, you fool!"

"...Oh yeah." Prussia blinked in realization. "I mean, sure you're together! Of course you are!"

"How could you not know that?!" Austria demanded, his voice filled with disbelief.

"Well...Hungary's a very pretty girl," Prussia pointed out. "And there are loads of hot guys around...I just thought, hey, why would she still be with boring old Austria?"

"...We're married!"

Prussia rolled his eyes. "Well sure. But nowadays, everyone's getting divorced. It's like, a new trend."

"We aren't getting divorced!" Austria snapped. "Hungary loves me!"

"Well, I'm sure she does!" Prussia thumped Austria on the back, ignoring the other nations protests. "That's why the awesome me is trying to pair you guys off! I'm just not sure she knows it yet -"

"We're been married for years!" Austria howled. "Of COURSE she knows it!"

"...Well yeah." Prussia shrugged. "That's true."

"Exactly," Austria said, leaning back in his seat, and looking satisfied.

"...And I'm sure that she was chatting with England before didn't mean anything..."

Austria's eyes widened. "What?" he spluttered.

"Oh don't worry though," Prussia responded, dismissively. "Hungary's your girl - England's in love with his son."

"What do you mean she was talking to England?!" Austria demanded.

Prussia continued to speak, ignoring Austria's inquiries. "You love her, she loves you, that's all that matters! The fact that she might be noticing other guys doesn't mean anything -"

Austria latched onto Prussia's shoulders and shook him, violently. "What. Has. She. Been. Doing. With. England?" he ground out.

Prussia continued to ignore him.

"I mean...sure, your a boring guy. Sure all that you're good for is that annoying music...which, by the way, is going out of style -"

"But...Hungary loves my music!" Austria protested.

Prussia snorted. "Yeah...not anymore she doesn't" he laughed. "I hear she's all obsessed with that 'One Direction' band."

Austria's eyes widened with horror.

_"THEY'RE BRITISH!"_

"...Huh" Prussia blinked. "So they are."

"No!" Austria sank back into his seat, looking pale and horrified. "Hungary can't be leaving me!"

Prussia grinned triumphantly; this was where his brilliant and awesome self would be required! Austria needed someone to fix his marriage; Prussia would be that someone! And then he would get paid!

"Don't worry," he told his enemy. "You have me to save your marriage! I'll reintroduce Hungary to the love she once felt for you -"

"What do you mean 'once'?!"

"...Well, you know..." Prussia coughed. "...She might have forgotten...don't worry though" he added. "I know what I'm doing -"

Austria leapt out of his chair.

_"HUNGARY!"_ he howled, hurtling himself over to where she was sitting. _"DON'T LEAVE ME!"_

_..._

"Hey - Norway, right?"

Denmark glanced up and glared at Prussia.

"I'm Denmark!" he snapped.

Prussia blinked. "Well, how was I supposed to know that?!" he demanded. "All you Nordic nations are exactly the same!"

Denmark stared at him in disbelief. "We look nothing alike!" he snarled. "None of us except Norway and Iceland, but that's only because they're brothers -"

"Well, you're all kind of brothers, aren't you?" Prussia interrupted.

"Uh..." Denmark frowned. "No...I mean, not really..."

"Yeah, anyway - " Prussia held up a hand to stop him, " - I just wanted to say that I'm starting up a matchmaking business and I think it might benefit you and Iceland."

Denmark frowned. "Me and...Iceland?"

Prussia slapped his forehead. "See!" he exclaimed. "Exactly the same! I meant you and Sweden!"

"...Me and Sweden?!" Denmark stared at Prussia in disbelief. "Sweden...the big, tall, scary guy who never smiles?!"

"...Huh?" Prussia blinked. "No, wait, not that guy...who's the other one that never smiles?"

"...Norway?"

"Yeah!" Prussia snapped his fingers. "Norway! That guy! I think you guys are secretly in love and all, so I'm going to get you guys together!"

Denmark stared at him.

"No thanks," he said at last.

"Aw, why not?" Prussia pouted. "Is it because you think you view him as a brother?"

"No." Denmark frowned at him. "It's because we're already going out - we started last month."

Prussia's eyes widened. "Ooooh!" he exclaimed. "You and Finland!"

"Norway," Denmark corrected.

"Yeah!"

"So...yeah..." Denmark narrowed his eyes slightly. "You can go now..."

"I think that's totally awesome" Prussia settled into the chair beside Denmark, ignoring the glare that the other nation was shooting him. "I mean, you guys are both 'Nordic nations' which makes you pretty damn close to being brothers -"

"No" Denmark cut him off. "Not at all."

Prussia snorted. "Oh please" he laughed. "Everyone definitely views you as brothers!"

"...Huh?"

"Yeah!" Prussia grinned and nodded his head. "You and the Nords - thats my new nickname for you guys - you guys are like, the closest brothers in town! You're like that one group that makes everyone go: "Dude; they are totally brothers."

Denmark stared at him.

"But, do you know what?" Prussia continued. "You want to date your brother? I say, go ahead!"

"...Me and Norway aren't brothers," Denmark said, at last.

Prussia ignored him and continued to speak.

"I mean, it's practically a trend nowadays. I mean, look at England and America - father and son, and more in love than ever!"

"...No really. Me and Norway aren't brothers." Denmark looked like he wanted the conversation to end more than ever.

"I mean, I'm sure you and Iceland -"

"Norway."

" - Might be judged by a few people..." Prussia considered this for a moment. "Okay...more than a few. Okay, maybe everyone."

Denmark frowned. "Seriously, we aren't -"

"But!" Prussia leaned forward and smiled, supportively. "You'll always have me by your side! England and America too, since they're sort of in your situation..."

Denmark scowled. "Look, we aren't...wait" his expression became slightly troubled. "Do people really see us as brothers?"

Prussia nodded. "Definitely. The five Nordic brothers."

"...You aren't just making this up?"

"No!" Prussia cried. "Why would I do that? But look - who cares if everyone judges you? It's how you feel that matters!"

"...Yeah" Denmark avoided Prussia's eyes, looking uncomfortable.

"And who cares if you'll never have a friend again, since everyone will be too creeped out to even look at you?! You and Sweden are a match made in heaven, and that's all that counts!"

Denmark was too shocked to even correct him.

...

The next nation that Prussia targeted was another Nordic.

"Hey Denmark! Whats up, dude?"

Finland glanced up, looking confused. "Um, Prussia..." he said, slowly. "I think you have me confused...Denmark is down there."

He pointed over to where Denmark was slouched in his seat, staring miserably at the wall.

Prussia slapped his forehead. "Oh yeah!" he laughed. "I was just talking to him...haha, you guys are just all so similar. Oh, you Nords..."

"...Nords?" Finland raised one eyebrow in confusion.

"Yeah!" Prussia responded, cheerily. "Nordic nations! It's my little nickname for you guys!"

"Um..." Finland looked unsure of what to say to that. "Thats...nice. I guess."

"So, Iceland..." Prussia started, deciding to cut to the chase. Finland frowned.

"My name is Finland," he corrected.

"Yeah! Yeah, it is, isn't it...sorry, like I said, you guys are so similar -"

"Prussia" Finland cut him off, sounding slightly annoyed. "What is this about?"

"Well..." Prussia paused, for dramatic effect. "I'm starting up a matchmaking business!"

Finland stared at him.

"One hundred dollars per custome,r" he continued, "and I have you and Norway in my sight! Wait..." he frowned. "No...that doesn't sound right..."

"Do you mean me and Su-san?" Finland questioned.

"...No?" Prussia's brow furrowed in confusion. "What the hell is Su-san? Is that even a nation?!"

"Sweden," Finland elaborated. Prussia's eyes lit up with realization.

"Oh yeah, him!" he exclaimed. "Yeah, that's what I meant!"

Finland shrugged his shoulders and leaned back in his seat. "I don't need your help," he responded. "Su-san and I are already a couple."

Prussia's shoulders slumped. "Dammit, why is everyone already together?!" he cursed. "The way this is going, I'll soon be losing my job!"

"Maybe you could try someone else," Finland suggested.

"Are you sure you don't need help with your relationship?" Prussia demanded. "I give advice as well!"

Finland smiled at him and nodded his head. "I'm sure," he replied. "Me and Su-san have a wonderful relationship."

Prussia raised one eyebrow in disbelief. "Really?" he asked. "I mean, he's really scary, isn't he?"

Finland blinked, looking slightly surprised by this statement. He shrugged his shoulders.

"Well, at times..." he murmured. "But...he's a wonderful person..."

Prussia leaned forward, looking interested. "So, he scares you?" he pressed.

"...No."

"Because you know, thats really not a good thing." Prussia shook his head and frowned. "You shouldn't be in a relationship with Iceland if he scares you."

"Sweden," Finland corrected, again. "And he doesn't scare me anymore."

"So he did?!" Prussia looked eager at this information.

"...A bit" Finland admitted. "When I first ran away with him - not anymore though!"

"Norway," Prussia lay a hand on Finland's shoulder; the other nation frowned at yet another mistake. "If you need help, don't just sit back and say nothing. We're all here for you - abuse isn't a nice thing -"

_"ABUSE?!"_ Finland's eyes flew open in shock. "No, no, no! What are you talking about?! I'm not being abused!"

"Are you sure?" Prussia pressed, looking slightly skeptical.

_"YES!"_  Finland snapped. "I am sure! I  _LOVE_  Su-san, alright?!"

Prussia looked slightly apologetic. "Sorry," he said. "I mean, you can't blame me for assuming...I mean, the guy has the makings of a killer!"

"...What are you talking about?" Finland frowned.

"Well...he's tall, and dark, and brooding, and scary...he never smiles...you can just see those wheels turning in the back of his head!"

"...You can?" Finland stared at Prussia with wide eyes.

"Yeah!" Prussia exclaimed. "Old Denmark...no wait, I mean Sweden...is a serial killer in the making!"

"Um..." Finland coughed. "I really don't think -"

"No, totally!" Prussia held up a hand to cut him off. "I can so see it happening..." his voice trailed off. He shook his head. "You know what though? You love him, he loves you...don't let all this 'future-killer' stuff get in the way of your relationship!"

"Prussia -" Finland tried again.

"...Just sleep with your door locked, okay?"

Finland stared at Prussia with wide eyes. He swallowed heavily.

"But..." his voice faltered. "We sleep in the same room..."

"...Oh" Prussia considered this for a moment. A thought suddenly came to him; he gazed at Finland, looking curious.

"Hey, both of you are Nords, right?" he questioned. "Doesn't that make you brothers?"

Finland's jaw clenched slightly. "Prussia, go away!" he sighed.

"Wow." Prussia shook his head. "This is really becoming a trend, huh? Date your brothers...date your fathers..."

A voice from behind him stopped him in his tracks.

"S' he b'th'rin y'?"

Prussia turned around, very slowly. He swallowed heavily when he caught sight of Sweden.

"Oh..." he laughed, weakly. "Hey...um..." he struggled to remember the other nations name. "You...uh...you Nord..." he took a step back and laughed again.

Sweden continued to stare at him.

"Don't...don't kill me!" Prussia squeaked. "I was only trying to better your relationship!"

He ran off.

...

"Prussia..." Spain frowned at his friend. "You are my amigo and all...but you're really scaring me..."

"I'm just saying, for once hundred bucks, I could totally get you and Romano together!" Prussia exclaimed.

"Si, you said that..." Spain nodded his head, looking slightly uncomfortable. "You also claimed that me dating me 'son' is 'totally cool.'"

"Well, you're in love with Romano aren't you?" Prussia pointed out.

"...Si." Spain's eyes glazed over slightly.

"And he's your son!"

Spain shook his head, looking stunned. "No, no!" he protested. "Romano isn't my son! You have it all wrong!"

"You raised him," Prussia pointed out.

"Well yes..." Spain coughed, awkwardly. "But...he isn't my son! That would be weird."

"Yeah, I thought so too," Prussia agreed. "But it seems to be a new trend. I mean, look at England and America; and, uh...those Nords."

"Prussia, really." Spain sighed. "Romano is not my son - I may have looked after him for a while but that doesn't mean -"

"Spain, I'm not judging you," Prussia cut him off. "Love you has no bounds! Go make sweet love to your son!"

_"He's not my son!"_

"Oh god, I'm good aren't I?" Prussia grinned, proudly. "I've started a new trend! I call it: 'Fuck Your Family'!"

"It isn't like that!" Spain wailed.

...

"Say another word and I will smash you with my pipe," Russia warned.

"I'm just saying, going along with 'Fuck Your Family' you'd go great with Belarus -"

Russia raised his pipe.

"I'm only trying to spread love in the world and make an honest living out of it!" Prussia cried, backing away. "Is that so bad?!"

Russia brought down the pipe.

...

Germany glanced up, taking in Prussia's battered appearance.

"Italy told me what you've been up to," Germany told him, his eyes narrowed slightly.

"He did?" Prussia collapsed into the chair beside his brother, and gazed at him with dazed eyes.

"Yes. He did."

"Oh..." Prussia smiled, giving his brother full view of his shattered, broken teeth. "Are you...proud of me?"

"...Stop it" Germany said, after a brief pause. "Please; before you end up dead or give someone a nervous break down."

"No!" Prussia cried. "I'm earning an honest living now!"

"Well stop."

"But...it's working!" Prussia stared pleadingly at his brother. "And...I even started a new trend!"

"You've traumatized a number of people in this room!" Germany snapped. "You've destroyed many potential relationships...and you have completely RUINED any chance I had with Italy!"

"I KNEW you liked him!" Prussia cried, triumphantly.

"SHUT UP!" Germany howled.

 

**Author's Note:**

> A VERY old fic of mine that I wrote back in 2012...and have probably edited since then since the grammar in this isn't completely atrocious like all the fics from my mid-highschool days tend to be. I'm hopefully going to get around to uploading all my Hetalia fics on here once I get around to editing them...but if anyone wants to read more of my Hetalia fics, check out my ff.net account


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